Saturday, October 10, 2009
A Secret Millionaire
I drove by the McDonald's on Texas Ave. yesterday and saw the new Monopoly advertisements. I have to say I really try to avoid eating fast food. I saw Super Size Me far too many times--and I have never gotten that horrid image of the fish sandwich out of my head. But for some reason I feel drawn to McDonald's every October for the chance to get Park Place and Boardwalk. I must say if I ever won a large sum of money through that contest, or say the lottery, there are only four people in the entire world I would ever tell. I'd be the friendly neighborhood secret millionaire.
Friday, October 9, 2009
FWD:FWD:
So recently
So recently I've been thinking about a great many things...With my 24th birthday coming next week, it's made me wonder where my life is heading. I never really gave much thought to it a few years ago, but then again who really thinks about that kind of stuff when their 20 and 21...At that age you can be whatever you want to be. The sky is the limit...but when you get to 24 you notice that the limit is the sky... Opportunities are beginning to close up around you and you get to the point where it's time to make a real decision about what to do with your life. It's sad how dreams get squashed by reality....Years ago my life-long dream was to be a professional musician. I wanted to play my music to anyone who would do me the favor of listening. But then as I grew older I realized that to be a successful musician you have to be 1) VERY good and 2) VERY lucky....Sadly I was neither...Oh sure I had a few awards and they sounded nifty but they really didn't mean all that much in the grand scheme of things...and sadly I had to put that dream away. That was a hell of a hard thing to accept. I spent years going for it and then it just finally came crashing down on me. And so I moved on...I decided to try my hand at science and see how far that would take me. When I apply myself, science seems to come somewhat natural to me....but I've still struggled at trying to succeed.
I don't know why but it's like I've been trying to sabotage myself. I wouldn't go to class. I'd miss quizzes. I'd even miss a test or two and then try to get a make-up scheduled. This was the norm for a long time...in fact it's the reason I'm about to be a 24 yr. old undergraduate. I've been trying to pull myself out of that hole lately but it's really hard to drop these bad habits. Bad habits are formed because they're easier ways around things and no one wants to waste more energy to get a job done if they can help it. I think that I might be sabotaging myself for the reason that I want to keep living in the past which is another big problem of mine that I've been trying to stop doing. This leads me to my next point.
I love living in the past. Don't ask me why I just do. I love looking back at old memories and feeling the warmth that those memories bring. Until recently I haven't seen the big problem with this. I mean if I want to remember great memories, then who is to stop me? But something happened to me earlier tonight that made me really REALLY think twice about this.
When I was growing up, I was infatuated with someone that I had known for years and years. We met when we were 8 and grew up together. I always wanted a relationship to form from it but it never did. Although we never had a romantic relationship, we still became good friends until we lost touch around the time I was 16. We would catch up once a year or so but it was obvious that there was a distance that was growing between us and that we would soon become virtual strangers. I talked to this girl tonight. I had heard from a close friend of mine that she was interested in talking to me because she wanted to catch me up on things that had happened in her life. So I called and found out that she became a mom two weeks ago. And while I was happy for her and wanted to hear all about her new life I couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem interested in the happenings of my life--not in the slightest. I wanted to see if I was right in what I was noticing by saying that something horrible had happened to me within the past few months. Of course this was completely untrue, but I just wanted to hear her reaction....While she at first felt sorry for me, her attitude quickly shifted to disinterest. This caught me WAY off guard. Now you people who really REALLY know me will know that I like to keep two or three steps ahead of people. I analyse quite a bit whenever people talk to me and sometimes I get so bored that I'll eavesdrop on people's conversations in class to analyse what they say...After some practice you tend to get VERY good at it. (I should be on Survivor) So you can imagine my shock when I was caught off guard by this girl's reaction to my fake story. I thought to myself that I would be devastated if what I had told her really did happen to me and she didn't seem to care. So after a very awkward hour on the phone I hung up and joked that we should get in touch sometime a couple of years from now...although in reality I have NO desire to ever speak to her again.
What does this have to do with me living in the past? After the phone call I realized that my desire to relive these memories over and over again will just lead to heartache. People change. Friends grow apart. The people that you have in those memories are gone forever and they are never going to come back. And while I would love to go back to a simpler life and be with my friends from back when, I now know that it is never going to happen....There is no such person as Dr. Emmett Brown and his Delorean doesn't exist. When you live in the past, you forget to live your present and life will pass you by. I've been doing this for so long and I think that it is the real reason I have my little depression sessions from time to time. I'm tired of my life passing me by. I'm very tired. So that's it. My time of living in the past is over. If you were a part of that past, then I must apologize but that's it. I'm done wasting my life dreaming of having you back.
So this is my final year at Texas A&M. And while I learned quite a bit about myself while I have been here, it's time for me to move on and get going with the rest of my life. I had a conversation with another good friend of mine the other day and she said that she was glad that I had "grown up? and was making something of myself. Little did she know that I was at that time, falling back into old habits that would lead me to nowhere. But I can now say to her that at this moment I have "grown up". The old Mark is dead and gone. And while I am not going to fool myself into thinking that this is going to be easy, I know that it's for the best. Future Mark will thank me for finally getting off my fat ass and getting squared away. It's a shame that it took me so Goddamn long to get to this point but I'm thankful that I finally got here. So goodbye old Mark. Goodbye St. Cecilia's. Goodbye Central. Goodbye to all of those wonderful memories. It's time to start living my life. Hello to what is to come today....
I don't know why but it's like I've been trying to sabotage myself. I wouldn't go to class. I'd miss quizzes. I'd even miss a test or two and then try to get a make-up scheduled. This was the norm for a long time...in fact it's the reason I'm about to be a 24 yr. old undergraduate. I've been trying to pull myself out of that hole lately but it's really hard to drop these bad habits. Bad habits are formed because they're easier ways around things and no one wants to waste more energy to get a job done if they can help it. I think that I might be sabotaging myself for the reason that I want to keep living in the past which is another big problem of mine that I've been trying to stop doing. This leads me to my next point.
I love living in the past. Don't ask me why I just do. I love looking back at old memories and feeling the warmth that those memories bring. Until recently I haven't seen the big problem with this. I mean if I want to remember great memories, then who is to stop me? But something happened to me earlier tonight that made me really REALLY think twice about this.
When I was growing up, I was infatuated with someone that I had known for years and years. We met when we were 8 and grew up together. I always wanted a relationship to form from it but it never did. Although we never had a romantic relationship, we still became good friends until we lost touch around the time I was 16. We would catch up once a year or so but it was obvious that there was a distance that was growing between us and that we would soon become virtual strangers. I talked to this girl tonight. I had heard from a close friend of mine that she was interested in talking to me because she wanted to catch me up on things that had happened in her life. So I called and found out that she became a mom two weeks ago. And while I was happy for her and wanted to hear all about her new life I couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem interested in the happenings of my life--not in the slightest. I wanted to see if I was right in what I was noticing by saying that something horrible had happened to me within the past few months. Of course this was completely untrue, but I just wanted to hear her reaction....While she at first felt sorry for me, her attitude quickly shifted to disinterest. This caught me WAY off guard. Now you people who really REALLY know me will know that I like to keep two or three steps ahead of people. I analyse quite a bit whenever people talk to me and sometimes I get so bored that I'll eavesdrop on people's conversations in class to analyse what they say...After some practice you tend to get VERY good at it. (I should be on Survivor) So you can imagine my shock when I was caught off guard by this girl's reaction to my fake story. I thought to myself that I would be devastated if what I had told her really did happen to me and she didn't seem to care. So after a very awkward hour on the phone I hung up and joked that we should get in touch sometime a couple of years from now...although in reality I have NO desire to ever speak to her again.
What does this have to do with me living in the past? After the phone call I realized that my desire to relive these memories over and over again will just lead to heartache. People change. Friends grow apart. The people that you have in those memories are gone forever and they are never going to come back. And while I would love to go back to a simpler life and be with my friends from back when, I now know that it is never going to happen....There is no such person as Dr. Emmett Brown and his Delorean doesn't exist. When you live in the past, you forget to live your present and life will pass you by. I've been doing this for so long and I think that it is the real reason I have my little depression sessions from time to time. I'm tired of my life passing me by. I'm very tired. So that's it. My time of living in the past is over. If you were a part of that past, then I must apologize but that's it. I'm done wasting my life dreaming of having you back.
So this is my final year at Texas A&M. And while I learned quite a bit about myself while I have been here, it's time for me to move on and get going with the rest of my life. I had a conversation with another good friend of mine the other day and she said that she was glad that I had "grown up? and was making something of myself. Little did she know that I was at that time, falling back into old habits that would lead me to nowhere. But I can now say to her that at this moment I have "grown up". The old Mark is dead and gone. And while I am not going to fool myself into thinking that this is going to be easy, I know that it's for the best. Future Mark will thank me for finally getting off my fat ass and getting squared away. It's a shame that it took me so Goddamn long to get to this point but I'm thankful that I finally got here. So goodbye old Mark. Goodbye St. Cecilia's. Goodbye Central. Goodbye to all of those wonderful memories. It's time to start living my life. Hello to what is to come today....
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